THE BIG BOTTOM
Our obsession with looks
Ladies, you need no longer shudder with guilt and fear as you ask, "Do these pants make my butt look big?" The answer you want to this question is now, unbelievably, an enthusiastic "Yes!"
All the years -- decades -- millions of American women have been laboring to rein in or reduce their rears, and now, almost overnight, we're off the hook. One woman, single-endedly, has made this change.
Jennifer Lopez, actress, singer, dancer, serial bride, the first major babe in recent memory not to look as if she hasn't eaten anything since 1996. In fact, she is renowned for having a strikingly large and prominent caboose.
Of course, that's by the standards of Hollywood, where you get sent to a fat farm if you balloon up to a size 2. Most of us out here in flyoverland would be overjoyed just to squeeze into single digits.
But seeing that men drool over J. Lo's, um, Golden Globes, women are rushing to look like her with another amazing new example of better living through surgery.
As one grateful plastic surgeon put it, "Jennifer has made big bottoms big news again." You may remember that the last time big bottoms made big news, it was because airlines were talking about charging double fares for them.
I'm seeing phrases in news reports on this phenomenon that I did not think would ever be written, like "desperate for a bigger butt" and "buttock augmentation operation."
Women whose tiny tushes made them the envy of their aerobics classmates are now seeing their self-esteem bottom out. Dr. Bruce Nadler, a New York plastic surgeon, told ABCNews.com, "Some women have very little on their own. These are people who struggle and feel frustration where genetics limit them."
Cry me a river, Twiggy.
Men palpitated over Pamela Anderson and women ran out to get breast implants. Now J. Lo, now booty-bags. In another 10 years, we will all be completely synthetic Barbie dolls with puffy lips, giant breasts and rock-hard buns you could rest a drink on.
One article I read on this trend quoted a former gymnast who agonized about her lack of "cushioning." She got implants, and now she wears a thong at the beach. Oh sure, it took several surgeries, weeks of recovery and a royal pain in the you-know-where that lasted months. But she can wear a thong now! That's fulfillment.
Thank goodness for the intrepid surgeons who saw such suffering and shame and found it in their hearts to do something about it. One experienced Beverly Hills (there's a surprise) doctor started out by putting the silicone implant above the gluteus muscle, but he found the implant was then prone to slide around under the skin. That paints a picture, doesn't it? "My, that's quite a pair of knees you've got there, Louann."
Of course, there are the nitpickers who try to take all the fun out of prosthetic pulchritude. There's some negative nattering about infection, bleeding, pain and damage to the sciatic nerve, which might cause major disability. But the important part is how you look, right?
All that pain and suffering means you'll miss many weeks of work. But your employer is sure to understand the concept of having your butt in a sling. And your co-workers will never notice when you return from your "extended sick leave" with two halves of a basketball down your pants.
Some surgeons worry that silicone implants, while jim-dandy for the breasts, don't hold up so well in a high-pressure area like the bum. So, you might have to give up on learning to ice skate.
One doctor admits that while the finished product feels like a Jell-O mold, ("Watch it wiggle! See it jiggle!") it's "not totally comfortable when you sit back on it." I'm not totally sure I'd want to sit on a Jell-O mold. But when has comfort had anything to do with allure?
Also, implant surgery is expensive, at $4,000-$5,000 per chic chubby cheek. Trendy clothes you've been dying to wear not included.
If that's too rich for your blood, you can opt for having fat sucked out of other parts of your body and redeployed in your fanny. Who ever thought that women shelling out for lipo would want the fat put back in?
So thank you, J. Lo, for knocking our world on its keister.
Until next year, when the next flavor-of-the-month movie star turns men's heads with her charmingly boyish figure and the way her pants just hang slack off her back.
I'm going to go sit in a Jell-O mold.
I am like any other woman. I love to look good at the beach. I know one of the most important aspects to looking great is having the right style. Instead of running all over town trying on fashion styles let me take you by the hand and show you where to find a list of exclusive fashion ideas that are right for you.
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